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How To Give A Tablet

How to give a tablet to your cat and keep your fingers

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  1. Place your left hand on top of the cat’s head. Thumb and first finger go each side of the head in front of the ears. Middle finger does nothing! The remaining two fingers go either side of the neck. Piano players have an advantage here! Hold the head firmly without squeezing hard.
  2. Tip the head back (much more than in the picture above)  - right back until the back of your left hand touches the cat’s back. The mouth will now be open a little and the lower jaw will be weak. Keep the nose pointing to the ceiling.
  3. Holding the tablet between thumb and first finger of your right hand, use the middle right finger to pull down the jaw.
  4. Aim well and drop the tablet far back in the throat into the groove on the back of the tongue. Let go of the lower jaw then gently release the cat. The tablet should go down.

Silly internet version

  1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
  4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
  5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
  6. Call friend to help. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
  7. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
  8. Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force open mouth with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
  9. Check label to make sure pills not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
  10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
  11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw away tee shirt and fetch new one from bedroom. Call fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
  12. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
  13. Tie cat's front paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet mignon. Hold head vertically and pour half a pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
  14. Get friend to drive you to the casualty department, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture store on way home to order new table.Consider giving cat to friend and call pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
Page updated 14th Oct 2016, 11:24
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